As we were moving through this process we had always just kept our heads down and we focused on completing each step as quickly as possible. You almost have to treat it as a challenge in order to keep your sanity as the weeks roll by. Application #2 was needed in order to complete our Home Study with a social worker. The entire process was becoming quite intrusive at this point.
I remember getting to the section of requirements and reading that we must provide a biography to be completed by each of us covering topics and beliefs regarding the following:
Family; descriptions and relationships.
Life as a child; likes, dislikes, how were you brought up?
Life as you grew up; what did you enjoy in school, relationships to friends and family?
Relationships; history of relationships, what did you learn from them?
Marriage; How did you meet, courting, marriage proposal?.
Current life; work, family, community, etc.
Motivation for adoption; explain in detail.
Integration of child into family; how will you do this?
Cultural diversity; thoughts and plans on raising a child in this environment.
Religious beliefs...Finances....Medical history....etc....etc....etc.
So you get the point. I remember discussing this process with my wife one evening, and the discussion eventually turned into why? why? why? We felt we were prepared for anything, but this was becoming insane.
I began working on my biography the following day and within a few hours I had answered all of the questions required of me. I remember going to talk with my wife to see where she was in regards to completing her biography.......and it began.
Up until this point I had failed to recognize the emotional toll this had been taking on Jennifer. We had gone from not being able to conceive, straight into the adoption process within days. Because we had stayed on course and began completing these steps religiously, we had never really taken the time to grieve the loss we had experienced. So; that, coupled with this intrusive process, shut her down.
It had taken everything out of her the 6 months prior, and Jennifer hit a point where enough was enough. The biography was the breaking point. My belief is that this is where it became too intrusive in her mind, and maybe a little too real and scary at the same time.
I remember thinking that we'd just let it rest a few days, and she'll get back on track and we'll keep forging ahead. Well, we let it rest a few days, and then she sat down with me and said, "I can't do this. This is ridiculous, and if we are going to have to continue to rehash how we got here, and divulge personal moments and thoughts to complete strangers, I don't want to do this."
Whoosh........that was it. I was crushed. But I know as crushed as I was, it couldn't begin to compare with how crushed she was. I couldn't begin to understand the grief she had been going through to get to this moment. Deliver me a baby, was not written in our wedding vows, nor had our relationship ever been tied to something like that. However, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, was. I spent the next few days and weeks doing my best to honor those vows, and at the same time, trying to reconcile my own emotions.
I think it was close to 5 weeks without movement on the process that I began to come to terms with the fact that this, yet again, was not in our cards.
When we began this process we began considering local churches, in order to find a perfect fit for us and our child. One weekend in late February I decided to attend a local church in Ada. Even though we weren't moving forward with the adoption, I did feel there was some spirituality missing from both of our lives. Jennifer didn't attend with me that day, but I remember the pastor delivering a sermon on hope, love, and forgiveness. This message resonated with me on many levels at a time I needed it most. I went home after that service and talked briefly with Jennifer about attending the following week. Throughout the following week she had remained noncommittal, but, by Saturday I had convinced her to at least give it a shot. That decision would change our lives forever.
I led with that back story in order to say this:
Had we not gone through that turmoil, that wavering confidence, that anger, that grief, we never would have landed in that church, on this day, to receive confirmation from God that this was the path he had chosen for us.
We arrived to church early that morning and for some reason it seemed much busier than the previous Sunday. We found some seats about 8 pews back right next to our good friends Justin and Heather Presley. Out walked 10-20 of the most precious children that belonged to a group called "His little feet," to share their story of love and adoption through song.
As those children sang my heart was lifted. My wife began to cry and something changed in her. When two people needed it most God delivered. He confirmed our decision to go down this path and he re energized our spirit to ensure that it happened. My wife looked over at me, and through her tears, she told me she loved me. I'll never forget the look on her face as she spoke those words........because I knew it was a look of confirmation that this was meant to be for us. On that day our bond was solidified, our love grew, and our purpose was confirmed.
If you have time, please check out the video on the link below.......this was played prior to His Little Feet coming onto stage.
It always amazes me how God works. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of pain before we see the gift he sets before us. I love you. Mom
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