The Decision

It's been a little over 11 years since Jennifer and I started the conversations about what our future as a family would look like 10 years from then.  There were two decisions we made about our future.....

#1 We were never going to get married.
#2 We were never going to have children.

Now 11 years ago was a long time ago.  We made many decisions based on what was easy, what wouldn't affect our relationship long term, what was the least conventional way to go about our future together.  As time moved on it really became more about sticking to our guns than it did about our actual feelings on the initial plan.  Jennifer obviously buckled on the marriage piece....after much convincing.

So here we were 6 years later....married, but still sticking to our guns on the children thing.  I mean how lucky were we?  We could vacation when we wanted, sleep as late as we wanted, do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.  We had the perfectly hassle free life.

Deep down there was always something missing with Jen and me.  We danced around the children topic for years.  Occasionally, we would talk briefly about the idea, what it would be like, and then quickly start planning an adult only vacation.  The truth in the matter is, we had both spent years planning our lives to be without something that deep down we both wanted so badly.  You see, life is fairly easy when all you have to do is worry about one another.  The thought of bearing the responsibility of caring for a child that would be totally dependent on me was damn scary......yet so intriguing.

So a couple of years went by, and sometime in the fall of 2011 we made our first life altering decision as husband and wife.  The one thing we could agree on was that the first two decisions we made as a couple were stupid, and outdated.  We discussed "our" plan to have a child together.  Now keep this statement in mind as you read on, as it holds much meaning.

After months of unsuccessful attempts to conceive our child, we were once again faced with the reality that maybe having children just wasn't in our cards.  But just in case.......we decided to visit Dr. Haas at Deaconess Hospital in OKC.  Dr. Haas is a known infertility specialist throughout the country.  Jen and I went through weeks of testing and medications and more testing.  One week the news was great, the next horrible, the next great again.  We left his office a few days before Christmas of 2011 with what we thought was some fantastic news.  We were only waiting on the results of one final test before we proceeded with treatments.  This was going to be one amazing Christmas.

On December 27th, 2011 we received a phone call from Dr. Haas asking us to come to his office the next day to discuss the results.  The reality was I already knew it was not the news we were wanting to hear.  Up until this point all good news was delivered over the phone so why would it be any different this time?  The very next day we made our last trip to visit Dr. Haas.  I'm not sure you can imagine living your life for so long, to come to a decision of something you want so badly, only to be told it will never happen.  All of those fears and doubts were realized in that one meeting.  We were heartbroken.

The next two days were a very dark two days for Jen and me.  There wasn't much discussion about anything really.  Jen was able to go on an overnight stay in Dallas with a good friend of hers, which was great.  I was happy she was going to get her mind off of things for a little while.  It also gave me the opportunity to do some soul searching of my own.

I remember sitting at my desk at work that next morning, working through things in my mind, when I instantly realized what the truth within me was.  Never in a million years was this process about us conceiving a child together.  Never was this process about a child having my nose and her eyes.  This process was about us coming to a point in our lives, and making a decision.  A decision to grow our family; to have a child that could be showered with love; a child that would be given an opportunity to reach their full potential in life; and a child that would know us as Mommy and Daddy.

You see, we had spent so many years trying to dictate every turn, and outcome in the path we were taking in life.  What we had failed to realize is this path had already been laid before us.  Every decision we had made together led us to this result.  Every fear, every delay, every selfish moment, led us to the most important decision we have ever made in our lives.

On December 30th, 2011 Jennifer and I made the decision to grow our family through adoption.  On January 1st, 2012 we officially began the most rewarding, painful, agonizing, exciting, and confusing process we would ever encounter.

In the fall of 2011 we discussed "our" plan to have a child together.  On December 30th, 2011 we finally realized that "our" plan was not "the" plan.  This was 'His" plan, and it always had been.